Trying to get pregnant is a massive pain in the… uterus. For those who can’t conceive naturally, undergoing fertility treatments can be a painful, embarrassing and emotional. We’ve done our best to explain our thoughts, fears and motivations over the last two years here on Bs and Babies, but there are some questions we always seem to get! People are naturally and understandably curious about how we conceive. (We are, of course, missing a big piece of the fertility puzzle. It starts with a “P” and ends with an “enis”.) This curiosity often leads to a lot of explanation on our part. I can’t even begin to imagine how many times I’ve explained IUI, sperm donations, Clomid, and the like, but we are always in awe of some of the shocking questions and suggestions we seem to get over and over again. These questions are generally asked out of naiveté and never out of mean spiritedness, and honestly, most of the advice we get would be entirely rational for any normal couple. The problem is, once you have infertility brain, everything you thought you knew goes out the window. We get the same ones
so frequently that we just have to laugh sometimes and here I am to address them here for the world to see. Our fellow infertility mamas will surely feel the (sometimes hilarious) pain!
“If you just stop trying/relax, it will happen!”
Wait for it…. This one is always so funny to hear, mostly because the person who offers the advice only takes a few seconds to realize what they’ve suggested. Though this is obviously not a solution for us as a lesbian couple, it’s a suggestion that heterosexual couples get a lot too. It’s easy for people to forget that infertility is a medical condition, just like any other. For those who have trouble conceiving or staying pregnant, relaxing cures the problem about as well as it would cure diabetes… not at all!
“Why don’t you just have sex with a guy at a bar?”
“Yeah, so I can get a baby AND HIV!! ” I think the funniest thing about this one is that people have asked me this and have been completely serious about it! Ashley and I are pretty untraditional, being lesbians and all, but even we sexual deviants believe in monogamy! Not to mention the risks of unprotected sex with a stranger… Unless this suggestion is followed by a wink or a sly grin, I generally back away slowly.
“Why don’t you just use a friend’s sperm and a turkey baster?”
Baby. Daddy. Drama. I usually answer this one with, “The only person on this planet I would want to be the father of my child is Ashley, and unless she is hiding something from me, that’s not going to happen.” As an eternal optimist, I would love to live in a world of rainbows and tiny teacup kittens and believe that the more parents involved in the baby’s life, the better, but unfortunately this leads to a world of legal and ethical issues. In a state like Arizona which offers no protection of the rights of gay parents, it’s complicated enough just using an anonymous donor. For example, our baby will be Ashley’s biologically and mine ethically and emotionally, but legally… not so much. Since our marriage is not recognized in Arizona, I would have no chance at legal custody in the event of our relationship ending. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure I am stuck with her. Adding a biological father into the mix, however, would make things that much more complicated. If the friendship between us and this potential donor were to go south, he could take 50% custody from us. While we adore our friends very dearly, the legal security of an anonymous donor is a comfort worth the expense… and we will get to that expense later. This question usually leads to…
“You should just take my/my husband’s sperm. It’s works!”
Yeah… no. Thanks, though! Honestly, we have heard this from near strangers. Usually people who you would not want to take bodily fluids from.
“Why are you being so paranoid? I did [BLANK] all the time when I was pregnant!”
2 years. 10 inseminations. 2 lost babies… Yeah, we’re going to avoid eating lunchmeat, even if listeriosis isn’t a particularly common cause of fetal demise. Remember playing the game that involves carrying an egg on a spoon and making it to the finish line without dropping it? Being pregnant after a loss (or two) is like playing the same game while blindfolded, walking across a tight wire and you’ve paid $25,000 to play. You’re going to move at a snail’s pace, and you’re not going to be showing off, doing cartwheels along the way. Slow and steady, better safe than sorry, all that jazz! You feel?
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
This one is a doozy, and I could go on for days about it. Here are my two very short answers. Ashley and I are licensed foster parents and are in the process of extending our license to cover adoption through the foster care system. We like to keep our options open. My second answer is in the form of a link. This article is amazing and accurate.
Over the years, a few people have asked me: “If you want kids, why don’t you just take in some foster children?” I’d usually say that I didn’t think I was a good enough person to be doing that, because children with difficult or traumatic backgrounds would do better with a foster parent who doesn’t get mad when the fizz takes too long to go down on a soda fountain drink. Inevitably I’d get disapproving looks, and sometimes even the implication that I clearly wasn’t worthy to be any kind of parent at all.
(5 Surprisingly Outdated Problems Infertile Couples Face) – Cracked.com
Any other infertile mamas out there who can relate? Am I missing any of those frequently asked questions that make you facepalm?
Stay fertile, my friends!
❤ Devan
Bs and Babies 