20 Weeks!!!!!

How far along? 20 Weeks

My babies are the size of: Banana!!!
Net weight gain: Still lingering in the 3-5lb weight gain, I fluctuate between the two.

Maternity clothes: Yes
Sleep: Still peeing every hour (I’m not sure that is going to get better haha) and hips hurt but as long as I am not waking up for 2-3 hours unable to fall back asleep I’m happy – unfortunately this happens 1x a week or so.
Best Moment this week: Feeling them move so much, both Devan and our friend Kaitlyn got to feel them move yesterday!

Miss Anything?: Beer!

Movement: It is the best thing in the world,  I wish they moved all day long!

Food Cravings: I just want it all, tonight I’m having a roast, potatoes, corn & biscuits for dinner and I’m already drooling over it.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Just having an empty stomach!

Gender:  B&G

Labor Signs: None, thank goodness, far too early for all that!

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, unless I’m hungry and then I’m hangry as Devan calls it.

Weekly Wisdom: You don’t choose your relatives, but you choose your family. Surround yourself with people that uplift you and bring you joy!
Looking forward to: Next scan on 9/5/14

Guys, I’m 20 weeks today and that means I am officially more pregnant than I ever have been. Rohen died when he was *supposed* to be 20w2d but the doctors said he was likely gone a week before then. As I type this these little bugs are kicking away reminding me that they’re here and healthy. It is the best thing a mommy could ever feel.

This week has been rough, mostly in my personal life. I haven’t shared much about my personal life on here to spare my family but at this point I’m not really talking to them anymore, and they don’t have access to this blog so not sure what it would hurt, and I can have a chance to vent. I’m not going to go into details on anything because I would be writing all day – the gist of it is this – I’m surrounded by people who don’t treat their kids the way they deserve to be treated. My oldest sister has two boys, 15 & 4 – for 2 years Devan and I cared for the 15 year old who was in CPS custody. We got licensed as foster parents and at the ages of 22 & 23 we took on the task of raising a then 13 year old boy. It doesn’t sound too hard until you mention that this 13 year old was in a gang, doing drugs, having sex, popping pills, failing school and had a huge attitude problem. It was Thanksgiving of 2011 when I picked him up from his dad’s house and asked “do you want to come stay with me?” and my life changed in that moment. Those two years tested mine and Devan’s relationship to the MAX, if we got through that we can get through ANYTHING. We had the cops at our house almost weekly, countless school meetings – he changed schools three times in those two years due to being kicked out, counseling sessions – basically we lived and breathed this kid for two years. For two years we devoted everything we had to him (all while still being in the “kid” stage ourselves, this wasn’t like pregnancy this happened overnight and we were not expecting it) It was very discouraging because no matter how hard we tried he would still continue the bad behavior, it truly broke my heart because I just wanted this CHILD to be able to be an innocent child for the few years he had left, but it was already over for him. As we cared for him, we also cared for my sister. We’d receive daily phone calls with her sobbing because she just “couldn’t quit drinking” – CPS told her numerous times what she needed to do in order to quit and she didn’t participate in any of it. 7 months almost to the day after we got Nicolas we started TTC with our RE – we figured if we could handle my nephew, we could easily handle a newborn. My nephew became a chronic runaway and would be gone for weeks at a time – the only contact we’d have from him was random phone calls from throw away phones simply letting us know he was still alive. He failed 7th grade twice and was going down a terrible path. The last time he ran away he got put in jail and stayed in jail for 2-3 months until they found him a locked group home. This was about a year ago; he just got out on 8/1/14. Once he was no longer in our home we told CPS that we were not taking him back again. We just found out I was expecting Rohen and knew that we couldn’t let our children live in an unstable environment like this. I told my sister she needs to get her shit together for her kids because I wasn’t cleaning up her mess anymore. She finally started participating and was doing a great job. We were all so impressed and proud of her! It looked like my nephew was going to be able to come home with her and that everything could go back to normal, or at least a new normal. About a month and a half ago she finished her alcohol classes and had been sober for about 7 months – she got a call from CPS asking that she continues taking classes and lost it. Here’s the thing – I get it, you’ve been working hard for 7 months and you thought you were done, but you’re not – it’s frustrating. Her response? Quit everything. She stopped taking her drug tests, going to classes, she missed his court dates and as of yesterday missed his appointment where they do a check in with everyone and make sure all is well. She moved in with a guy that she started dating a week or two prior and her life is all about her and this guy now because she is “finally happy” – I suppose even if it is at the expense of your children your happiness is all that matters? I heard through the grapevine that she has been taking her drug tests again but that is all I know. I had some words with her the day after my birthday because she neglected to even tell me Happy Birthday – something out of the ordinary for us. I let her know how I really felt for the first time in the past two years. When I was talking to her I kept thinking about Rohen, and about all of you. About how we would give ANYTHING just to be mothers and once we were given the honor every single breath we took would be for our children. I said this to her, I said I don’t understand how you can have two healthy boys and just not give a shit when I would do anything just to have one day with Rohen alive; to be able to hold him while his heart is beating. Needless to say we haven’t done much talking, I removed her from all my social networking sites (I know, it’s a serious blow lol) and I haven’t called or texted her since – I plan on staying strong until she is there for her kids. I refuse to watch my family members treat their children like vermin.

It’s all around me – my other sister has twin girls – they are about to be 5 in September. She has always had a rocky back and forth relationship with their dad and has since moved on to a new guy that lives in California and is moving there in two weeks. My sister frustrates me because she talks to my nieces like they’re garbage. She has ruined countless holidays and family functions because when she is angry, everyone knows. Let me start off by saying I have a mouth on me. I love cussing, something I will be changing very soon because while I do believe cussing around a child and AT a child are very different things I would still like to limit the amount of cussing around my children that I do. I definitely don’t want the mouth I have now around my kids. With that being said, I’ve been listening to these girls getting cussed AT for a few years now, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’m sick of people thinking it is OK to tell your kids to shut the fuck up, or get your fucking shit together, were leaving. It is NOT OK. I’m not a parent yet, but as I stated earlier I played the role of my nephews sole provider for two years and while I absolutely lost my temper with him, and probably cussed AT him a few times it wasn’t a regular thing (this doesn’t make this right, I was absolutely wrong, and I felt awful about it and worked harder the next time to keep my temper in control). I guess my point is this; there is a difference between losing your temper SOMETIMES and losing your temper ALL the time. If you find yourself yelling at your children like this on a daily basis you need to re-evaluate how you are parenting and ask for some help – it doesn’t make you weak it makes you strong. We are all human and all of us make mistakes, if you are willing to admit it and fix it – then you are awesome for doing that! So with that all being said, my other sister and I got into on Tuesday afternoon. I was trying to set something up with her to see my nieces before she moved and she didn’t want me to have them all day for a BBQ just a quick goodbye – I should have kept my mouth shut and left it at that but it irritated me that she wasn’t letting us spend quality time with them so I kept pushing. She then said we couldn’t see them at all and I lost it. I told her that she doesn’t deserve to be called a mother because she treats her girls like garbage and takes them for granted. After saying a few things about how Karma is going to “get me” she said this:

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Needless to say, I spent the rest of Tuesday curled in a ball sobbing because really who the fuck says that to someone? I came to realize that she meant Karma is going to get the TWINS not me, and that really got to me. She was implying that these babies are going to die too – something you all know and empathize with as being our BIGGEST FEAR. After you’ve lost a child, you know your next isn’t guaranteed ever, and anything can happen at any moment – it stuck with me. I still can’t shake it, because I love the twins so much already, I feel them inside of me, and I dream of them. They’re already my children, and I couldn’t bear to lose them. I failed to mention in the midst of all this she is converting to Mormonism. She is being baptized soon and “devoting her life to Christ” to better herself. Even as a non-spiritual person I was in support of this so long as it benefited my nieces – if being Mormon brings her to a peace within and helps her talk to my nieces in a better way, sign her up and quick! I just hope she realizes that saying that type of thing to me is definitely not Christ like, not to mention the fact that the week before she told my brother to go kill himself and that my mother should have aborted him – this was after he too called her out for the way she talks to the girls after witnessing it for the 100th time. So as you can see, it’s a hot mess. I made many mistakes myself throughout all of this, including waiting so long to speak up for my nieces and losing my temper myself but I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t read your TTC blogs all day and know my own story and then watch the abuse. It makes me sick.

Like I said above, you can’t choose your relatives but you can choose your family – I’m happy to say that we have a pretty awesome family. Last night we spent a few hours with our friend Lisa and her daughter who is almost 20, Kaitlyn. We ate some delicious nachos and watched a show called “Skin Wars” about painting bodies and laughed our asses out. We talked about how when the twins are here we will be there all the time and that she is going to bring out all her old toys for them to play with. It makes me so happy knowing the babies are already so loved. We have our moms, my brother, Devan’s sister (and her ridiculously cute baby – and her boyfriend Jake) and other family that is spread around Arizona on Devan’s side and a whole slew of awesome friends. We are fortunate and I feel that if we cling to the positive people in our lives we will be able to give Harper & Elliott a wonderful childhood.

Here are some pictures from this week, I love seeing pictures when you guys post them so I figured I would start including some each week too!

 IMG_2155 Lennon, our bulldog she likes laying on the babiesIMG_2002

 And making super weird bulldog faces

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Devan snuggling our cute nephew, Kimball – I love that kid.

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Guys, I was a weird looking kid – lets hope the babies get the donors genes, those are the pictures of him that we were given above 🙂 He sure is handsome. Love his dimple chin, Rohen had a dimple chin. I’m stoked that our twins are 100% siblings with Rohen and that we are able to continue to use the same donor.

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Guys, look how beautiful Devan is, I can’t even handle it. Ow Ow!

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We can end with the cat being forced to dress like a baby, because its hilarious.

Enjoy your week everyone, I am beyond excited for all the positive tests we’ve had this week and know that there will be just as many next month!

❤ Ashley

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Overwhelming Love and Support!

Oh. My. God.

I was on pins and needles about telling my dad tonight… and once again,  I was WRONG.

My dad was so supportive… obviously shocked, but otherwise very intent on being involved. He didn’t have many questions about how we’re planning on doing this financially, he just said that there was no reason for me to rationalize this for him, and that he knows that this is something that I have thought through and he supports the two of us. He seemed really excited, especially when we told him that we like Cooper Neil for a boy (that is his middle name, and also the middle name of my Grandpa, though he went by Neil his whole life).

I have to say, the horrible, crippling anxiety that I was feeling just completely faded away as soon as I realized that he was OK with this… with both of my parents on board plus Ashley’s family too, we are so excited that we’re being taken seriously and people realize that this is something that we want for the right reasons.

We were so excited about my dad’s reaction that we called my two aunts, Shellie and Kelly. My Aunt Shellie was SO excited, I think probably the most excited so far! She said that she can’t wait to be a Great Aunt! We can’t wait either 😀 My Aunt Kelly hasn’t called me back yet, so I don’t know how that will go, but I feel very confident that she will be just as thrilled!

Ashley told her dad last night, and he was really excited too!

I feel like this is a great opportunity for us to really get close and get to know our family so much better. We love our families so much, but there are a lot of people that we just don’t see or catch up with as much as we should, and this is such a great reason to get together and really learn about each other. I want our baby to be completely surrounded by nothing but the most awesome, loving people in the world. We’re on our way to that exact situation!

Ash and I were talking about it, and we both agree that this supportive and enthusiastic response from all of the people that we love and respect is the perfect proof that this is REAL and this is RIGHT!

Tonight could not have gone better, I am SO pumped. We still have a lot to do before this becomes a reality, including PICKING OUR DONOR! We have been SO busy with telling people and work and all of that other good stuff, so we really haven’t sat down and put our noses to the grindstone. We are going to buy our sperm on Friday, so that’s something that we will have to make time for this week. Our STD tests are on Thursday, plus Gus has his surgery (having his nasty ass teeth scraped!) on Thursday too. We will be very busy with our preparations in the coming weeks, but I think it’s best to keep busy so we don’t drive ourselves crazy waiting! 😀

Love you all,

D

Father’s Day

OK, it’s the big day! I am going to tell my dad that we are trying for a baby. I know I completely overreacted and over thought the whole situation when I told my mom, so I’m hoping I’m doing the same right now! :\ I’m a ball of nerves! Yikes…

I got a new car today, It’s a really super cute Mazda3! It has a nice big backseat for a car seat 😀 I wouldn’t have been able to do it without MommyMom, so thank you MM!! ♥

 

SCARED SHITLESS… I will let everyone know how it goes! I just keep reminding myself that my dad is a big softy…

D

 

The Word is Spreading!

I was originally going to call this post “Ashley Is Always Right” because she is, damn it!

I had a talk with my sister yesterday about the fact that I had chosen not to tell my parents because I was afraid of how they would feel and she brought up a really good point. They are going to be so hurt if they find out that this has been going on, we’ve been trying so hard to have a baby and never told them until it was all done and over with. It got me thinking that I really want to be able to share this experience with them. I want to be able to call and tell them about my appointments and have them in on that anticipation while we’re waiting to find out of it worked and if we are pregnant.

Ashley has been telling me this whole time that I have been being completely irrational about being afraid to tell them. Here’s the deal: I over think. I have a horribly overactive imagination, and I had managed to convince myself that my parents were going to try to change my mind or convince me that I was making a mistake and had even gone as far as imagining them saying they didn’t want to talk to me anymore.  I was completely frozen with terror. The really messed up thing is that none of those things are really things that my parents would do or say. I just have this horrible habit of immediately thinking that the entire world is going to end when there is any type of disruption in our every day lives. It’s not just them, either. If my boss walks by me and says she wants to talk to me, I immediately think “Oh god, I am about to get fired.” and it’s always something completely innocent. I can’t help it! And I feel bad, because I hurt my mom’s feelings by telling her how afraid I was.

We decided to tell my mom and Mikey last night, and I am going to tell my dad tomorrow. My mom and Mikey were great, they brought up legitimate concerns about school and money, and for the rest of the time we were talking it was all about baby names, labor and delivery, the procedure… it was awesome. That horrible, crippling anxiety was immediately decreased by half. It feels good to know I can call her and update her on all of the crazy shit that’s going to go on over the next year or so… I feel so much better! PHEW! Now the hard part will be telling my dad… yikes. There’s that knot in the stomach again. I just have to keep reminding myself that I got all worked up about telling my mom and that I was 100% WRONG!

We also told Eric last night, which was really exciting. He was so supportive and wonderful, even offered to help with the baby shower! I can’t wait for the HP reboot years down the road so we can take the kid(s) (hopefully Ash and I will have a few by then!) camping and show them the awesome world of fandom camping! 😀 Eric, I can’t wait for you to be my baby’s Sirius Black! lol!

Other than that, there is still nothing new going on… Just waiting, waiting, waiting! Our STD testing appointments are on Thursday, and we are going to really crack down on picking our donor this weekend. Mommymom and Poppop want to go out looking for cars this weekend, so we may be doing that as well! I just want to keep super busy while we’re waiting for my period, I feel like the anticipation is killing me! (Still can’t get over wishing for that… lol!)

I’ve also been reading a lot about dogs and babies, and I found this awesome article on getting your dog prepared for having a baby in the house! Lennon is getting so good, we are confident that she will be such a great big sister when the time comes.

The more people we tell, the happier we get! Everyone has been so awesome… I can’t wait! I love you all!

D