The babies are OK! (Lots of cute pictures too)

Our precious babies are in great health. Elliott is still a boy and measuring 17w2d and coming in at 6oz.

BABIES_3

Definitely still a boy ❤

BABIES_2 BABIES_19     Apparently he needs to remind us that he is #1 ❤BABIES_5BABIES_57 BABIES_4Harper is measuring 16w6d and also 6oz. She was harder to see today (she was being shy) but we confirmed she IS for sure a girl ❤

BABIES_75     BABIES_80 BABIES_77 BABIES_6  BABIES_76

Our OB said she would decide to put me on antibiotics after the scan, our perinatologist was more than pleased and said everything looks perfect. She had nothing bad to say. We are still on for our next appointment on August 6th for our actual anatomy scan, but she said they look spectacular and she isn’t in the slightest bit concerned.

I can breath again.

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What. The. Fuck.

*Excuse my language during this post, but I just can’t hold it back right now*

Before I starting writing this I want everyone to know that I realize all of my fears and thoughts are completely irrational, with that being said it doesn’t ease my anxieties at all. A week and a half ago I went to Costco and bought a bunch of stuff for dinners, we also bought some peaches. The old man handing out samples convinced me when he let me taste one of them. Now, we fast forward to last night. I get a text message from my friend that he got a phone call saying the peaches we all bought had been recalled, he said he didn’t know what for but just wanted to let us know. First off, the peaches are gone, I ate 3 of them and Devan ate the rest. I googled Costco peach recall and this came up:

http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2014/07/21/trader-joes-costco-peaches-nectarines-plums-listeria-recalled-recall-for-stone-fruit-from-california-packing-company-due-to-possible-bacterial-contamination/

I read it last night and tears immediately fill my eyes, first of all why does it have to be listeria – one of the more dangerous bacterias for pregnant women, why couldn’t it be something else?  I tell Devan about it and we confirm that we have the exact peaches they recalled.

When we found out something was wrong with Rohen, that he was measuring behind, I never for a second thought he was going to die. This was my first pregnancy and so far (up until that point at least) we were hearing all good news about him. I figured he’d be premature, totally fine or possibly have down syndrome – the down syndrome was ruled out a few days before we got our ultra sound confirming his death and we celebrated that we were going to have a completely healthy little boy. We were so naïve. We never imagined a few days later we’d be holding his lifeless body in our arms. My point in saying all that is that I’m not naïve anymore. I know what can happen with a pregnancy and I know it can happen quickly. I know listeria can kill a fetus, and I know it happens every year to many people. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It is good, because I can be realistic, but it is bad because that means I’m freaking the fuck out right now. I’m freaking out even though I have NO symptoms. I’m freaking out even though NO ONE has reported illness (as of 7/19/14) I’m freaking out because I didn’t freak out before and my son died.  The rational part of me says that I’m fine. It says in black and white on the CDC website:

If you have eaten food contaminated with Listeria and do not have any symptoms, most experts believe you don’t need any tests or treatment, even if you are pregnant.

However, you should tell your physician or health care provider if you are pregnant and have eaten the contaminated food, and within 2 months experience flu-like symptoms.

 

But then my irrational side reminds me it also says this:

Listeriosis can be passed to an unborn baby through the placenta even if the mother is not showing signs of illness. This can lead to:

  • Premature delivery
  • Miscarriage
  • Stillbirth
  • Serious health problems for the newborn

 

So, even though I don’t have any symptoms what if it has been passed to my babies? What if the twingy stabby feelings I’ve been feeling the past 24 hours are my babies hurting and not just “pregnancy pains” We heard their hearts yesterday, they were beating and strong, but that doesn’t mean they’re not sick – or that the infection isn’t spreading – it just means they’re alive right now. My doctor office opens in about 55 minutes, I’m going to call them and ask that they give me the antibiotics regardless of if I’m showing symptoms. I don’t want to risk anything happening. I’m going to call our perinatologist as well and ask if I can get an ultra sound today, before our anatomy scan. I feel like if I see them, and they’re still growing and looking good my mind will be at ease. I haven’t been able to stop thinking…no obsessing over this since I got the text message yesterday evening. I woke up at 3am and wasn’t able to go back to sleep until almost 4 because I was tossing and turning thinking about everything I’ve written in this blog. Thinking about what cruel sick world would even make two people who have already gone through enough have to deal with something so STUPID. It would be one thing if I negligently ate lunchmeat knowing this could happen and then I was “surprised” when there was a contamination, but peaches aren’t even supposed to have listeria contaminations. This was a total freak thing – they had to shut down their entire plant to take care of the issue – I am so sick and tired of “total freak things” happening to us. Rohen’s death was described as a “total freak thing” that shouldn’t happen again, 1 in a million. Go figure we’d have 1 in a million happen to us twice. I’m clearly angry, because it isn’t fair. I know that everything is most likely going to be just fine and that after seeing/talking with my doctor and seeing the babies today I will be able to sleep soundly tonight, but the fact that I’m feeling this way right now sucks. I wanted an UNEVENTFUL pregnancy, is that too much to ask for? Crack heads get uneventful pregnancies, but all of us putting everything into TTC get shit on, the world is a cruel place sometimes.

I’ll write another update later on after I talk with the doctors and hopefully get to see them today.

❤ Ashley

Heartbeats.

Devan and I were given a fetal heart doppler from our friends from their past pregnancies and we use it almost daily, honestly if we skip a day I will have anxiety the entire next day until I hear the sweet sound of their hearts beating. It is absolute music to my ears, and is the greatest comfort after losing Rohen.  During my pregnancy with Rohen we had the doppler then too and I vividly remember the week he died, and thinking about checking his heart beat but for some reason didn’t. Then on December 27th, 2013 we had a routine OB appointment and the doctor came into the room and started taking my blood pressure and doing all the normal doctor appointment stuff. I started having anxiety then about hearing his heart beat and was relieved (only for a moment) when she grabbed the doppler so that we could hear that wonderful comforting sound. 10 seconds went by, then 20, then we were at a minute with no heartbeat. My heart started racing, I knew something was wrong; it never takes more than a few seconds to find his heart beat especially at 20 weeks. Then Devan said the words “something is wrong, isn’t it? This isn’t normal right?” the doctor replied with “no, this isn’t normal you need an ultrasound”. My world stopped, my little boy may have been gone for a few days already but to me this was the moment he died.

I opened with that story, even though there are entire posts devoted to what happened during that awful time because something similar happened last night and scared the crap out of Devan and me. We hadn’t checked the heart beats for a day or so, so naturally I was itching to hear those beautiful sounds. I got out of the shower and told Devan to grab the doppler  she put aloe all over my tummy and put the doppler down…normally I can point to a spot on my stomach and she can put the doppler right on top of Harpers heartbeat. I pointed, she put the doppler down and we heard my heartbeat but not Harpers. She moved slowly to the right, to the left and from the top to bottom – nothing. We spent about 45 seconds looking for Harpers heartbeat and found nothing, so we moved over to where Elliott is at and it took us about 30 seconds to find his, he usually takes longer because he is underneath my pelvis still, but even 30 seconds is a little long. We both gave sighs of relief after hearing Elliott but knew we still had to find Harpers heartbeat. We just looked at each other with fear in our eyes, fear wondering are we going to go through this again? Are we going to hold our dead child in our arms again? I’m already thinking about getting in the car and heading to the emergency room because that would have been our next step… and then we found her. We found our little baby girl after over a minute of searching for her heart. Both of my babies had perfect, strong heart beats but apparently they wanted to test how strong their mommas were.  We both laughed and talked about how much it scared us and how they need to “knock their shit off”. We can’t do it again, we aren’t strong enough. I can’t hold another one of my babies in my arms, lifeless. I don’t know if I’d recover this time. I don’t want to go back to the darkness & the sadness. When I was pregnant with Rohen it was the happiest I have ever been and the happiest Devan and I have ever been as a couple. We were on cloud nine, complete and total bliss. Then he died and I thought I’d never feel that again, even with another pregnancy, but I do. I am truly happy again, feeling true bliss. Getting here was hard work, I had a lot of guilt to work through because we had lost Rohen only a few months earlier when we found out we were expecting our twins, and while I still mourned him we celebrated our new babies. It is the hardest and most confusing feelings to have at the same time (grief and happiness). While I still grieve Rohen daily, and always will, I have made peace with his death.  I have allowed myself to feel bliss again, and be truly happy for the lives growing inside of me. It would be unfair to Harper and Elliott to not have as much joy for them as I did for Rohen. And it would be unfair to Rohen to stop living my life, after all Devan and I made a promise to him that we’d live better for him and I intend to keep that promise.

So aside from not being able to find both twins heartbeats right away, we had ANOTHER scare. We were leaving our neighborhood and sitting at a red light. I had my phone and was looking down waiting for the light to change over to green. The light changed and I didn’t notice it right away so I didn’t start going immediately…I look up to see a car flying through the red light going at least 50mph, had I gone right when the light changed to green I would have been slammed into (drivers side – I was driving) and I just know it would not have been good. I was shaken up from it, and we didn’t even get into a car accident, I wanted to follow that guy and pull him over and beat the shit out of him. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he has no idea what he could have done, that there weren’t just two people in that car, but four, and that he put my babies lives in danger. I wish we would have called the cops and followed him so that they could have pulled him over, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, and feel so grateful that it didn’t happen.

I’ll be 16 weeks on Thursday, were getting closer to the anatomy scan and my anxieties are continuing to rise with that. I just want it to be August 6th so I can see that my babies are growing strong with fat little cords & placentas. Maybe then I can relax a little, but I doubt it. I just want them to be here, I want to really start our family, being pregnant is a piece of it, but until they’re here we play the long waiting game. I am having awful ligament pain with these little babies – for obvious reasons, there are two of them. But sometimes it scares me… If I do too much (and by too much I mean go grocery shopping) it will start to hurt way more, so I try and listen to my body and take it easy, but the groceries need to be bought and I can’t be locked in the house all day (unless a doctor orders me to) so I’m hoping that it eases a little bit soon. I am having trouble sleeping because my hips ACHE all night, but I look at all of this as a good sign that these babies are demanding my body gives them more room so they can continue to grow bigger and healthier. As long as their healthy, they can beat me up as much as they need to.

I hope everyone had a nice, uneventful weekend. More updates to come soon, we don’t have any appointments or ultra sounds until August 6th, so we won’t have much to update you on until then.

 

Love,

Ashley, Devan, Elliott & Harper

I just cannot stop stressing…

I absolutely cannot stop stressing about this baby. I am so worried that something bad is going to happen, that I’m not able to enjoy being pregnant. I want to enjoy being pregnant, I want to be happy, and think about my baby all day and how he/she is going to be here in January, but every time I start to think about that I start thinking about how he/she might die and how I might now ever get to experience this with him/her. It’s wrecking me. I had such a peace about this pregnancy when I first found out, but after I started spotting I haven’t been able to get back to the place. Tiffany (my cousin) keeps reminding me not to stress, and how stressing isn’t good for the baby (which in all honesty just stresses me out more because I’m thinking about how now I’m contributing to hurting the baby). We have taken three HCG blood tests now and they’ve all been excellent, I am taking another one today and I’m sure that one will be excellent as well, and I hope that by the end of today I can find that peace again. I am no longer spotting, and I haven’t cramped at all during this entire process, but it’s almost like having a healthy baby is too good to be true for us. There is no rational reason for me to feel this way besides the fact that every time we’ve been pregnant it ended horribly. I think Rohen scarred me for live because everything was so good with him until all of a sudden it wasn’t. I’m terrified that this is going to happen again, and I don’t think I can handle it if it does. I think I will lose it. You all say that we are so strong, but I think that if we lost another baby it would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m not sure I could just get back on the horse again if this happened again. I need this baby to be ok.  I wish there was some way to ensure everything would be OK, something I could do. January 1st is SO far away, I want to FF to the day he/she is born so I can meet my little baby and hold him/her for the first time.  I feel like a total freak for acting this way, but I can’t help it. I am constantly worrying about this baby and any little twinge or stretch that happens in my uterus scares the shit out of me, even though it’s most likely my uterus stretching to make room for the baby. I’m thankful for my friends and family for being here for us and reassuring us that everything is OK, especially poor Tiffany…she gets to hear the same stuff over and over again and never gets irritated with me. Poor Devan is probably done hearing it too, because it’s not helping her anxieties about this pregnancy. I am getting to the point where I feel like our friends are just as invested in us not losing this baby because they don’t want to deal with us suffering ANOTHER loss – it’s depressing, we’ve become those friends who are just depressing to be around. I don’t want to be like that, I want to be ME. Happy, bubbly Ashley who is just excited to be here…so universe or whatever the hell is out there– please keep my baby safe.

 

Ashley

 

Little Scares

Well, it’s been an eventful couple of days. On Thursday, I got a phone call from Ashley in the middle of the afternoon. She was very upset, and simply said that she was bleeding and that I needed to meet her at the doctor’s office. She didn’t go into more detail because her boss was driving her there in his car.

When I got there, I found that Ashley was very worked up and had experienced a full-blown panic attack at work. She was pretty much calmed down by the time I got there, mostly just embarrassed for becoming so upset at work. She was having some spotting and upon noticing it decided that she wanted to have blood drawn immediately.

Despite our worry, her hCG levels had spiked even more than would be expected, which was wonderful news. We felt a lot better after hearing that, and went home to relax.

This morning, she was continuing to spot and was still feeling very nervous about it. We decided that we would feel better having more labs drawn today to track the increase of hormones in her blood. The office was horribly backed up today, so we had to wait four awful hours to hear back regarding the results. Finally, we got the news… not only was our level good, but it was GREAT! In fact, it’s increasing a lot faster than it usually does with one baby. We still won’t know anything for sure until our ultrasound on the 14th, but based on the rate the hCG is increasing, we could possibly be looking at twins!

One or two, we are just so happy that it looks as though this pregnancy is off to a great start. It’s very hard no to panic about the little things, considering our track record. Unfortunately, we know all to well how quickly things can go from good to very, very bad. For now, we are just keeping our heads up and working hard on being positive and excited to finally start our family.

More updates to come,

Devan and Ashley