Devan and I were given a fetal heart doppler from our friends from their past pregnancies and we use it almost daily, honestly if we skip a day I will have anxiety the entire next day until I hear the sweet sound of their hearts beating. It is absolute music to my ears, and is the greatest comfort after losing Rohen. During my pregnancy with Rohen we had the doppler then too and I vividly remember the week he died, and thinking about checking his heart beat but for some reason didn’t. Then on December 27th, 2013 we had a routine OB appointment and the doctor came into the room and started taking my blood pressure and doing all the normal doctor appointment stuff. I started having anxiety then about hearing his heart beat and was relieved (only for a moment) when she grabbed the doppler so that we could hear that wonderful comforting sound. 10 seconds went by, then 20, then we were at a minute with no heartbeat. My heart started racing, I knew something was wrong; it never takes more than a few seconds to find his heart beat especially at 20 weeks. Then Devan said the words “something is wrong, isn’t it? This isn’t normal right?” the doctor replied with “no, this isn’t normal you need an ultrasound”. My world stopped, my little boy may have been gone for a few days already but to me this was the moment he died.
I opened with that story, even though there are entire posts devoted to what happened during that awful time because something similar happened last night and scared the crap out of Devan and me. We hadn’t checked the heart beats for a day or so, so naturally I was itching to hear those beautiful sounds. I got out of the shower and told Devan to grab the doppler she put aloe all over my tummy and put the doppler down…normally I can point to a spot on my stomach and she can put the doppler right on top of Harpers heartbeat. I pointed, she put the doppler down and we heard my heartbeat but not Harpers. She moved slowly to the right, to the left and from the top to bottom – nothing. We spent about 45 seconds looking for Harpers heartbeat and found nothing, so we moved over to where Elliott is at and it took us about 30 seconds to find his, he usually takes longer because he is underneath my pelvis still, but even 30 seconds is a little long. We both gave sighs of relief after hearing Elliott but knew we still had to find Harpers heartbeat. We just looked at each other with fear in our eyes, fear wondering are we going to go through this again? Are we going to hold our dead child in our arms again? I’m already thinking about getting in the car and heading to the emergency room because that would have been our next step… and then we found her. We found our little baby girl after over a minute of searching for her heart. Both of my babies had perfect, strong heart beats but apparently they wanted to test how strong their mommas were. We both laughed and talked about how much it scared us and how they need to “knock their shit off”. We can’t do it again, we aren’t strong enough. I can’t hold another one of my babies in my arms, lifeless. I don’t know if I’d recover this time. I don’t want to go back to the darkness & the sadness. When I was pregnant with Rohen it was the happiest I have ever been and the happiest Devan and I have ever been as a couple. We were on cloud nine, complete and total bliss. Then he died and I thought I’d never feel that again, even with another pregnancy, but I do. I am truly happy again, feeling true bliss. Getting here was hard work, I had a lot of guilt to work through because we had lost Rohen only a few months earlier when we found out we were expecting our twins, and while I still mourned him we celebrated our new babies. It is the hardest and most confusing feelings to have at the same time (grief and happiness). While I still grieve Rohen daily, and always will, I have made peace with his death. I have allowed myself to feel bliss again, and be truly happy for the lives growing inside of me. It would be unfair to Harper and Elliott to not have as much joy for them as I did for Rohen. And it would be unfair to Rohen to stop living my life, after all Devan and I made a promise to him that we’d live better for him and I intend to keep that promise.
So aside from not being able to find both twins heartbeats right away, we had ANOTHER scare. We were leaving our neighborhood and sitting at a red light. I had my phone and was looking down waiting for the light to change over to green. The light changed and I didn’t notice it right away so I didn’t start going immediately…I look up to see a car flying through the red light going at least 50mph, had I gone right when the light changed to green I would have been slammed into (drivers side – I was driving) and I just know it would not have been good. I was shaken up from it, and we didn’t even get into a car accident, I wanted to follow that guy and pull him over and beat the shit out of him. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he has no idea what he could have done, that there weren’t just two people in that car, but four, and that he put my babies lives in danger. I wish we would have called the cops and followed him so that they could have pulled him over, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened, and feel so grateful that it didn’t happen.
I’ll be 16 weeks on Thursday, were getting closer to the anatomy scan and my anxieties are continuing to rise with that. I just want it to be August 6th so I can see that my babies are growing strong with fat little cords & placentas. Maybe then I can relax a little, but I doubt it. I just want them to be here, I want to really start our family, being pregnant is a piece of it, but until they’re here we play the long waiting game. I am having awful ligament pain with these little babies – for obvious reasons, there are two of them. But sometimes it scares me… If I do too much (and by too much I mean go grocery shopping) it will start to hurt way more, so I try and listen to my body and take it easy, but the groceries need to be bought and I can’t be locked in the house all day (unless a doctor orders me to) so I’m hoping that it eases a little bit soon. I am having trouble sleeping because my hips ACHE all night, but I look at all of this as a good sign that these babies are demanding my body gives them more room so they can continue to grow bigger and healthier. As long as their healthy, they can beat me up as much as they need to.
I hope everyone had a nice, uneventful weekend. More updates to come soon, we don’t have any appointments or ultra sounds until August 6th, so we won’t have much to update you on until then.
Ashley, Devan, Elliott & Harper