731 days.

It has been two years and one day since my miscarriage. (It was a chemical pregnancy, but I always feel like calling it that really does a poor job of conveying the emotional trauma of the situation.)

I was 23 and the pregnancy was the result of my 2nd IUI. I was pregnant for a very, very short time, but in that short span I learned something very important. It’s something that I’ve written so many times but it’s the most important thing I have learned in my life.

The most important thing is that every infertile woman gains a mother’s heart as the prize for her sorrow.

We are mothers the moment we know in our heart that it is time to try. We are mothers before the shots, pills, endless ultrasounds and every single BFN. Loving our children before they are here is what makes us mothers.

The day after my miscarriage, two years ago today, I knew the pain of loss would kill me. I struggled deeply with depression and self-harm as teenager, and I was terrified because until that day, I had never wanted to hurt myself as an adult. I reached levels so low that I would wish for death. I would long for release, fall asleep wishing that I would fade out in the night. Strength lies in recovery. Slow, grueling recovery is what gave me wisdom. It is what amplifies the joy I have every day waiting for my healthy twins. It took a girl and turned her into a woman. It took a woman and turned her into a mother. Recovering from my miscarriage is what gave me the willpower to recover from losing Rohen. Had I not mourned my miscarriage, I don’t think I would have been strong enough to survive mourning him.

Two years and one day later, I’m nowhere near the same person I was on that day. I am entirely wiser, more grateful, and much more peaceful. I am not thankful for my losses, but I am profoundly thankful for the growth that came from them.

We’re all still growing. ❤

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More bad news.

So… It’s been almost two months since the miscarriage. It’s hard to believe.

I’ve had good days and bad days, but the good are starting to outweigh the bad. It’s been hard to feel that pang whenever I see pregnant women, babies, anything infant related. I don’t feel like its ever going to leave me completely, but I feel like most of my pain is the let down of realizing that I wasn’t going to be a mother. When I get pregnant, I know in my heart that some of that pain will the to joy. It was for that reason that we decided to immediately jump back into fertility treatments after this miscarriage. My doctor cleared me to try again right after, and we didn’t want to waste precious time.

For our third IUI attempt, I took 100mg of Clomid. I was expecting to have two eggs again, since my second IUI (the successful one) was on 100mg and I had two. Unfortunately, I only had one egg and the cycle was ultimately unsuccessful.

By this time, we were out if sperm. We skipped one month to buy more and have it shipped, and started our fourth IUI attempt last week. At my first appointment, I asked if I could try 150mg of Clomid this time to try for two or more eggs. At this appointment, Lisa (the RN) noticed that I had a large and strangely shaped something on my left ovary. It looked like a cyst, but had irregular borders and coloring. It was determined that I must have just ovulated, and this was just the burst follicle that had released the egg. I was sent home with my clomid.

At my second appointment, I had a uterine lining of 8mm (10 is needed to support an embryo) and a bunch of ok sized follicles. I went back in a couple days later and I had a uterine lining of 7mm, and some bigger follicles. This morning, I had three follicles that are around 14 to 15mm, 4mm short of where they should be. My uterine lining is now at 6mm. Lisa said she is concerned that my lining is getting smaller. This is caused by a lack of estrogen. It could be because the eggs growing in my follicles are no good, and aren’t causing my ovaries to produce enough estrogen. It could also mean that those follicles are actually cysts, and there are no eggs in them at all. I am going back Wednesday evening to see what has changed, but it’s not looking good. Most likely, this means the clomid is no longer working and ill have to stop taking it. This cycle will most likely be cancelled.

I have done a lot of damage to my body with the hormones, and we are at a point where continuing with clomid could do more harm than good.

One other option would be to take a step up to injectable hormones, which are VERY expensive and much riskier. We are planning on playing it by ear. If by some miracle my uterine lining is 10mm and I have some good eggs on wednesday, we will move forward. If not, we will sit down without doctor to discuss what our options are.

I’m struggling with accepting the fact that this is not going to play out the way I have always pictured it would. I am 23, healthy… And without a child. It feels like every time we turn a corner there is more bad news waiting for us there. There’s still hope in me, but it’s getting hard to keep smiling. To be completely honest, this process has been financially devastating and on top of everything it creates a hopeless mood. We can’t keep doing this over and over…

I’m starting to feel betrayed by my own body… Like I’m trapped inside this body that’s fighting against me.

I’ll post more as we learn more… Hopefully our doctor will have some words of encouragement. I have a feeling that we’re going to learn that this isn’t going to happen for me. I can’t help it, and I can’t shake it…

The dust has finally settled…

It has been almost two months since we miscarried and I can say with a smile on my face that things are looking up from here :D. All of the dust has settled and I’m happy with those who have remained by my side. Those who are no longer by my side, were never worth it in the first place, or they’d still be here. When you are constantly worrying that someone is talking poorly about you and that they’re lying to you, it probably wasn’t a good idea to fight for that friendship anyways. It makes me sad that I lost them, but I’m confident that it was bound to happen, and I’m glad it happened before they had an opportunity to meet my children. I actually can finally feel…peace. I wasn’t interested in being apart of the lies that I was brought into anymore…it was too hard to sit back and watch when I knew so much…I was expected to have a smile on my face while Devan and I are trying so hard to have a baby and it comes so easy to those who may not be as deserving, or those who do not have a relationship that is built on a foundation of trust, love and commitment like Devan and I do. I don’t want a revolving door of people in my life when I have kids. If you aren’t good enough for me and my wife, you will not be welcome in my house, and I refuse to budge on that. Devan and I have those forever friends, who will always be there regardless of how much we talk or see each other  and those people are quite special to me :). If I could change one thing, it would be the thousands of miles separating me from my best friends Tiffany & Steve…it makes me so sad that I don’t get to see them whenever I want, even though we talk EVERY day. One day, I can only hope, that will no longer be an issue for us.
On to a happier note, Obama won the election and 3 states passed marriage equality….how WONDERFUL is this? Our country is moving foward and I’m glad to be apart of the generation that can witness this!! Nicolas was so interested in the election yesterday and was asking us so many questions — such as “who does mexico want to win?” he was confused when I told him Mexico is not apart of the USA…Devan also tried explaining electoral college to him and he said “so wait, all the colleges vote?”…ah kids. This weekend Devan and I will head to Las Vegas for my oldest friend Tracy’s wedding! I’m really excited to be apart of this and am stoked to have a fun weekend.
Hopefully we get a baby for Christmas this year 🙂
– Ashley

This pain is constant. It is with me through every minute of every day. I can’t escape from it, even when I sleep. I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

I should be 10 weeks pregnant on Saturday, it’s hard to believe. There are still times when I think I can’t do something because of the baby and I have to remind myself that it’s gone. I still have dreams about him… His face and his tiny hands.

I haven’t gone more than a day without crying since the day that it happened. I feel so empty… Like there is this void where my baby should be growing, but he has been taken from me.

What could I have possibly done to deserve this? To be alone like this? Sometimes I feel so lonely that I think I’ll be crushed under the weight of it.

I miss having friends. I miss optimism. I miss my life the way it was before.

I miss not hurting like this. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.

Thoughts…

Its been almost two weeks since we lost the baby, and it still hurts just as bad as if it happened today. On Monday we were supposed to go to the doctor to see the baby on the ultra sound for the first time, I still can’t believe that Devan was pregnant and then all of a sudden wasn’t. Its so crazy to see how fragile life can really be. These past two weeks have been hard, but at the same time I have learned SO much about myself and those around me. Old friends of ours, Darrel & Reyes, went through a similar situation as Devan and I. Reyes was taking clomid and they were trying to get pregnant…they finally had their dreams come true and at their 8 week ultra sound they could not find a heartbeat…its so devastating. Today they have two beautiful daughters and you can tell that they truly live their life FOR their children.

Devan and I have already started adjusting our life to accommodate a baby, I was talking with her and told her that I don’t want to drink every weekend with friends anymore…I’m just over it. Special occasions – OF COURSE, I’m not dead lol, but I’m just over it. I want to spend my nights with my family, going to the park, watching movies, just enjoying each other.  I just feel like nothing else in life is going to matter once I’m a full time mommy…I feel like I will live and breathe my children, and I’m so excited for that.  A lot of people have said to me “Make sure you are done being selfish, partying, living for you etc” and I just don’t get how you couldn’t be once that little one is there. Maybe it’s because this is something Devan and I are really working at getting, and we’ve consciously made the decision to get pregnant. Ahh, I just can’t wait until he/she is here! I’m so bummed out that we have to wait even longer now 😦  I’m ready for my life to change, I’m ready for the sleepless nights, but even more so I’m ready for the days where I get to hear my baby giggle! I can’t wait to see Devan with him/her…its going to bring us so much closer together, it already has.

The past two weeks have been trying to say the least between many of those who are close to us…and I feel like Devan and I have found peace and are okay with the decisions we’ve made. I’m not a religious person, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good quotes in the bible…this is one that has been on my mind lately:

“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”

And this is exactly what we did. There is not room in my life for anyone that does not bring me joy, love & support.

My stomach isn’t a rock anymore, it’s peaceful. I don’t spend my nights tossing and turning, I sleep. Devan has been BUGGING me to go to midnight bingo for WEEKS now, so we decided that we don’t need anyone to go with us to have fun…were going to go this weekend!! We will have a BLAST 😀 If I had vacation time at work & money, I’d drive to New Mexico to see Trisha & Ethan, I miss them L It sucks living hundreds/thousands of miles away from those closest to you. Almost everyone that I consider a best friend/family is so far away (Tiffany, Steve, Trisha, Ethan, Ashley K, Lili) IT SUCKS!!!

Devan and I keep going back to moving from this state…and with everything that has happened we have talked about it even more…We want to go to Oregon…the only thing stopping us is our kids not growing up close to their grandma’s, it’s a very special relationship that I don’t want my kids to miss out on.  So now were moving on to trying to convince our moms to move with us…maybe?

Today my cousin Tiffany is finding out if she will be a momma to another boy or to a little princess. I hope she gets her dream of having a little girl, but I know that even if she doesn’t her prince will be so special to her 🙂

Well, I guess that’s all for now…

 

– Ashley

A week from hell…

Its almost been a week since everything happened, and I can say that without a doubt this week has been the hardest I’ve ever gone through. Losing the baby is just the tip of the iceburg, I feel like my life is complete chaos all around right now.

When I was little there was a period in my life where it seemed like every year someone would die…my Aunt Sharon, my Grandpa, my Great Grandpa, my Great Grandma and one of my cousins…all died in a 6 year period of time…and one thing I noticed during this time was that no matter what family issues there were or what problems you had with someone you got over them and you were there for eachother. This even went as far as people who weren’t talking for one reason or another reuniting because they realized that it just isn’t worth it anymore and life is way too short. It wasn’t that long ago that my cousin Tiffany and I were fighting over something (it had to be really stupid because I don’t remember it) but during that time I found out my mom had cancer…I texted her and said, I just need you right now…she immediately called me and said “I know love…” and was there for me…period…no discussions about the fight or anything…she was just there. She is one of my biggest rocks 🙂

Ironicaly, Devan had a greif seminar yesterday where she learned about the stages of grief and how to respond to those dealing with greif. She brought a sheet of paper home that basically told you what to do when someone you love is expeiriencing a loss…I found it very interesting…here are a few things from the list:

– You won’t know what to say, and that is okay. Just being there is enough, a hug will almost always do the trick. Your presence is very important.

– Don’t belittle their loss by saying things like “God has a plan” “Someone in Heaven needed a little angel” “It was just their time” etc.

Those two stood out to me, mainly because we have been dealing with those two things the most from the people closest to us. As Devan mentioned in her previous blog, it got under her skin when people were saying it was Gods plan etc…and it just so happens that the “Bereavement Experts” believe this is belittling and its not a good idea to do so…I found that very intersting.

As far as just being there…I couldn’t agree more…A lot of my closest friends/family can’t be next to me because they live in a different state, but I feel closer to all of those people then I do to people who are within 10 miles of me. My heart is absolutely broken becuase of the fight that happened between myself, Devan and her family, but at the same time…I learned from this and I will never have to be hurt like that again. I can’t describe how I feel right now, but no matter what anyone says I can’t get the rock out of the bottom of my stomach about all the fights I’ve been in this past week…I feel betrayed and wounded and I feel like no matter how much people try and bandage my wounds, they will continue to bleed out. I will NEVER forget this experience, it will always be in the back of my mind. Trust was broken, and I don’t know if I can ever put myself in the vulnerable position to allow myself to begin trusting those who hurt me again. My focus right now is on my wife, and on my future baby…if anything comes between that, that isnt bringing positivity to my life, I am not interested. Devan and I are evaluating all of the “fruits” if you will, in our life and the rotten ones are being thrown away…we are going to stay off of facebook for a week and see what that brings us…I feel like facebook is a drama playground and I just don’t want any of that anymore…I said to Devan, why don’t we just delete anyone who we feel will impact our life negatively (even if they don’t know they are) and she said she didn’t want to offend anyone. Personally, I could care less at this point, I am getting control of my life.

My cousin Tiffany, keeps telling me that once you have kids your friends kind of fade away — that instead of going out with your friends on a Saturday afternoon you are taking your little one to the park…etc. This brings me a lot of encouragement and I can’t wait until my child is here!

One of the first places I think to bring my baby is Disneyland…I want my kids to grow up LOVING disney the way Devan and I do…I want to take them all the time and watch their faces light up with excitment as they watch World of Color or see Mickey Mouse for the first time…I can’t wait 🙂

I want to close with this…many people might think its distasteful to write about such personal experiences on my public blog like this, especially the fights with my friends/family, but I promised myself I would be 100% honest on this blog, and I am sticking to that.

Love you guys!

Ashley

 

Our Miscarraige (Ashley’s POV)

The day that we saw the faint pink line I knew my life would forever change. I started picturing my childs tiny little legs, arms fingers and toes. I started to smell his skin and I started to see his eyes. Our baby was a group of cells when it died it felt no pain, had no brain, no heart no eyes…but the potential of what those cells could have become…that is what we lost. The next time D&I see that pink line its going to be almost impossible to feel happiness…instead we are going to feel fear…fear of whether or not this baby is going to make it. Statistically, it is very RARE to have two chemical pregnancies unless there is something wrong with you, so this gives me a lot of hope.

Friday, September 14th is a day I will never forget. Every morning when I leave for work I give Devan a kiss and say goodbye. This morning when I woke her up to say goodbye she said that she felt like she was getting sick and that her throat hurt. I said goodbye and went to work. Later that morning around 10:45 Devan came to my work to drop off my lunch and said that she had spotting a really bad headache and felt feverish.  She took a pregnancy test and showed it to me and my heart sank. I couldn’t find a line! At this point in the pregnancy we shouldn’t have to look for a line, especially after we had gotten so many CLEAR positives the week before. I looked at her and said YOU ARE GOING TO THE DOCTOR, NOW!!!! She was apprehensive to miss work but I told her that this was a good reason. I called the Dr and had Devan explain what was happening…luckily they were able to see her right away. While Devan drove to the doctor I had to stay at work and wait. Around 12:30 I got a text from Devan saying they took a blood test but that the doctors weren’t worried…no matter how many times I heard that I was still SO WORRIED. I knew something wasn’t right. I was talking with my cousin Tiffany and she kept assuring me that everything would be okay and not to stress…but I just knew. I knew something was really wrong. Devan isn’t dramatic when it comes to that kind of stuff, and I saw her fear, and that became my fear. By 1:30 we hadn’t received a call back from the doctor so Devan called them and got Dr. Nemiro. I knew she was going to call so in my head I said, if I get a text its good news if she calls me its bad news. 10 minutes later, my phone rings. I answer and Devan is sobbing. She didn’t even have to tell me, I knew. I went back into work, shut my computer down and went home.  When I got home I texted my cousin who had been waiting for the result with me all day…I just said to her…no baby. My heart broke into peices and I knew there was NOTHING I could do to change this…we just weren’t pregnant anymore. Every morning I would cuddle with Devan and put my hand over her tummy…I had done it that morning…it was just 8 hours before that I thought my child was growing inside of her.

The last few days we’ve had so many people support us and tell us that they’re here for us…and we’ve had people who we thought were there for us, show us that they’re really not all that there. Devan described some of my friends as “FAIRWEATHER” friends, when the weather is fair, they’re there but as soon as there is storm they aren’t. It’s really upsetting to me because some of these people I considered my best friends…but I guess I’m glad this happened now rather than later…now I know how to structure our friendship for the future. Its just a shame that people I would have done anything for can’t be there for me & Devan in a great time of need. Just to have lunch, or make a simple phone call. I don’t think its too much to ask for…a lot of people say that when you have expectations of someone you are usually hurt…and its true. But these are people in my life that didn’t even somewhat meet my expectations for the roles they play in my life and because of that, its clear where I stand in their life. But in another light

there are people that will ALWAYS be there for me, and even though we don’t talk every day they are forever friends. Tracy, you’ve been there for me since I was 8 years old and you were there for me the past few days just like a friend should be. I got text messages from people I haven’t talked to in years and phone calls from relatives that I haven’t talked to in years. I guess that’s why its such a shock when the people you talk to every day can’t be there for you like the ones you don’t talk to for years. But, what can you do?

What I plan to do is cherish those who WERE there for me. Go out of my way to deepen my relationship with those people, because its obvious they’re the ones to hold onto. In a year I’m going to look back on this time and I’ll either be holding my newly born baby or be standing next to my very pregnant wife. It will all be worth it then.

Love you all,

Ashley

 

Our Miscarriage

So… it’s been a couple days and I think it’s time for me to finally write this.

I noticed early last week that I was feeling less nauseated, and I was really happy about it. I had spent the last couple weeks feeling sick after every bite of food, and it felt nice to have a little relief from it. It actually crossed my mind one afternoon that it didn’t seem right that I should be feeling less sick… since the hCG level in my blood was supposed to be going up, which should make me feel more sick. I just wrote it off and good luck and didn’t think much more about it. It was about this same time that I noticed my dog Gus started sleeping at my feet again instead of on my stomach.

On Thursday, I spent the entire day out in the field working, and I felt horrible. I started to get a migraine in the early afternoon, and I was sick to my stomach and just feeling awful all day. I went home and crawled into bed. By the evening, I had such a bad migraine that I could hardly see straight, I was on the verge of throwing up all night, I started running a fever and was restless to the point that I spend hours tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I was coming down with strep throat. I could tell that I was running a fever, but I just sucked it up and took Nicolas to school. I went and saw a patient, and then came back home since I wasn’t planning on going in to the unit until 11am. I had another headache coming on and I was aching so bad from the fever that I decided to take some Tylenol. It was around 10:45am that I noticed that I had some spotting along with a little bit of cramping. I had implantation spotting and cramping on days 9-13 after IUI, but it had gone away and I hadn’t had any other issues since then. I didn’t feel right, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I stared at it for the entire three minutes, and no line came up.

I brought lunch to Ashley at her work and told her that I was concerned because of the negative test and the spotting and cramping, and we decided that I should go in to see my doctor for blood work to test the hCG level in my blood. At this point we were just thinking “better safe than sorry” because these cheap 88 cent tests had been giving us weird results from the very beginning. I called the unit to tell them that I was going to be late, and what was happening.

I drove straight to Dr. Nemiro’s office and one of the nurses took blood for the test. She said she could tell that I was running a fever, and it turned out I had a temp of 101, almost two hours after the Tylenol. They said that what they thought was happening was that I was having migraines from the progesterone that I’ve been taking, and I was coming down with some sort of infection which is what explained the fever. They said not to freak out over the spotting because it was (TMI alert) brown and not red. They said a little bit of cramping was OK. I was told that I would get results in an hour, so I went home to wait for the phone call.

Almost two hours went by, and I hadn’t heard from them. I called Dr. Nemiro, and he said he would check on the results for me. I could tell immediately that something was wrong. His exact words were. “Oh, Devan… barely pregnant. Your level is at a 3 when it should be upwards of 200.” He said that I had lost the baby probably a day or so before, and the hCG was almost out of my system. He told me that I should stop the progesterone, wait for my period to start, and then we would be free to try again.

This is usually referred to as a “chemical pregnancy” which is when you have fertilization and implantation, but due to a chromosomal abnormality, the embryo stops it’s own growth. It’s hard to tell how often it actually happens, but I’ve seen statistics that range from 25% to 70% of all pregnancies end in this type of early miscarriage. It has nothing to do with me or my body, and the statistics show that the likelihood of this happening again are slim, unless there is something wrong with me that caused this first one. We just have to try again to see what happens.

So now we get to experience all of those wonderful stages of grief. I’ve had so many different feelings in the last two days, and they have been absolutely all over the charts. I’ve cried so hard that I stopped producing tears. I’ve screamed, and been angry at people who have babies or are pregnant when I’m not anymore. I’ve had anger towards the people in my life who have abused their bodies with drugs while pregnant. I’ve had anger towards people in my life who have had abortions. I’ve been peaceful and calm, and at ease. I’ve been so depressed that I feel like my heart is physically being ripped into shreds, and it strikes me so dumb that I can’t even muster up the energy to cry. I’ve had little moments where that glass half full attitude comes out, and I have that voice in my head that says, “Devan, this is just what happens. It’s biological, it’s ok. Next time is your time.”

We have been keeping people in the loop from the very beginning, which is why I’m writing publicly about this right now. This is usually a situation that would never have to be discussed. Most women choose not to announce a pregnancy until the end of the first trimester, because miscarriages do happen and it’s a loss that is usually mourned privately. Well, this baby was planned and conceived publicly, and it will be lost that way too. I’ve been documenting my dreams for all to see, and now I’m documenting my nightmares. We made phone calls, and then posted on Facebook, just to get it all out on the open. We didn’t want to continue to have to tell people in the weeks to come, we just wanted everyone to know so they could process it and move on, and we could too. It’s been nice to see the comments from others with their words of encouragement, but I’ve been so frustrated with people telling me that this is some sort of plan from God. I have never kept it a secret that I am an atheist, and it makes me so angry that in the midst of this pain, this worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, someone is telling me that God took my baby for a reason. I’m sorry, and I know that this is probably inappropriate, but that is bullshit. Hypothetically, if God existed, I highly doubt he would have any use for my embryo.

The fact that we are atheists is a blessing and a curse. We know what we lost, and we know what we didn’t. What we lost wasn’t a baby. Yet. It was the potential for a baby. What we did lose was the dream. We lost what we had imagined of him. His face, his smell, the sound of his cry. What color his eyes would have been. Hearing his heart beat a week from tomorrow. Feeling him kick. Naming him, loving him, watching him grow. We lost our reckless optimism. We lost the joy that had been swelling in our hearts. We lost the joy that we will feel the next time we see that pink line. Next time… that line will be the start of an agonizing waiting period. Waiting to see if he will stay for us, or if he will leave. Waiting to see if I will be able to carry at all, or if this is the first in a series of let downs that we will face in our attempts to have our family.

I got into a huge fight with my dad and sister yesterday, and I spent the vast majority of yesterday sobbing. I felt bad for Ashley, because she became very distressed asking me what she could do, and I didn’t have to words to tell her what I needed. I don’t even know what I need. I’ve been in and out of depressions that get so low that I start thinking things like, “my family doesn’t want me, and neither did my baby.” Sometimes that depression just fades away and I go as far as joking about the situation, which is my usual defense mechanism. (For example, we came to the conclusion yesterday that my body rejected the baby because it would have been a Twilight fan. LOL. A little distasteful, but laughter is the best medicine, no matter how inappropriate!) I’ll sometimes think that the clouds are parting and I’ve cried about as much as I’m going to, and then I’ll go on Facebook and see the post of a pregnant friend or see a picture of someone’s baby, and I’m down for the count again. I feel like I could cry forever and never feel relief from this pain. I think the absence of their support has been the loneliest time in my life.

I finally got up from the couch and took a shower this morning, changed my clothes, and had lunch with my mom and Ashley. It was nice to see the sun, lol. Heather and Robert came over last night, and they brought chocolate and a lovely glass dove vase with a rose in it. My Grandma, who I hardly ever see or speak to, called me today to tell me that I was in her thoughts. The people that love us are texting and calling periodically just to see how we are, and if we need anything. It’s the support of the people closest to us that will ultimately make the difference. We can grieve privately all we want, but being alone just isn’t going to get us through this. I don’t regret the decision to write honestly about this. Writing my feeling is what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.

So, that’s the emotional. Here’s the physical: Since it was so early, I don’t have to undergo any sort of medical procedure. I’m bleeding heavily and cramping pretty badly, and that should be as bad as it gets. I am fee to attempt to get pregnant again in as soon as two weeks. We have not made a decision yet as to when we are going to try to get pregnant again. I think at this point, we are resolved to give ourselves a few months to regroup and grieve our loss, and then we will jump on the horse again. It’s too soon to say for sure.

Well, I guess that’s just about it. We’ve been talking about making changes in our lives, including trying to go a week without Facebook, and possibly going without all together. We want to spend more time together to have a better jumping off point for our family. I’ve also been thinking that this is a good time to get into an exercise routine and try to get into better shape before getting pregnant again. We’ll see!

Love to all,

Devan and Ashley